The Powerful Lies From a Toxic Narcissist

Exploring the outcome of a narcissist’s lies, from a narcissistic abuse survivor

Source: Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

Lies are the bloodline of a narcissist.

Behind every toxic narcissist’s actions lies a burning desire to take what they feel they deserve. Besides, anything that they want is already theirs anyway (to them, at least).

Growing up, I was faced with a narcissist that consistently laid reign over my life in one way or another. Getting to understand them, I learned that I could not trust a damn thing that came out of their mouth.

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The lies would grow, morph and shapeshift into whatever the narcissist needed at that time. The constant lies left me with whiplash (and growing unrest about what the truth really was).

Sorting through the lies of a narcissist is an incompletable task. How can I be so sure what they told me one day will match the next? I cannot speak for every narcissist out there, but I can share my experience with the one I know all too well.

Simply leaving me to sort through their lies kept me engaged and thinking about them. Every breadcrumb lie I saw focused on the narcissist–this is where why wanted me.

A narcissist can take your trust, timededication, and energy.

How does this happen?

A narcissist takes from you by lying to get you where they want you.

Keeping me on the hook

I was the narcissist’s current focus of interest.

If you stand in the way of a narcissist, you’ll face the wrath of your betrayal. I found this out the hard way, trying to keep up with the narcissist’s lies.

The reality is a mere suggestion to a narcissist; their ‘truth’ trumps all else. And it makes sense, right? When someone is desperate to feel powerful they are deeply insecure.

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Being tied to a narcissist in any way will have some sort of negative effect on you. I was always given the nicest, sweetest voice from the narcissist. Additionally, I was hit with hurtful a statement representing their lack of love for me as a family member.

Your time is valuable. I noticed how much my time meant to the narcissist. I painted the picture of the life they wanted me to see, not the cracks I seemed to notice.

What is most valuable to a narcissist is your time and energy. The narcissist kept me on the hook with all their lies, probably adoring the special attention. But ultimately, I stood in the way of what they wanted.

The narcissist would always gaslight me — even through text messages. If they didn’t remember it happening, then it never happened. Period.

What kind of person can live like that? Well, a narcissist can.

It can describe someone who isn’t formally diagnosed but displays a set pattern of symptoms consistent with narcissism.

Suggested Reading: Understanding the Disorder Behind a Narcissist

I can only speak about the narcissist in my life, but mine is keen on staying the way they are. They aren’t able to see the destructive nature of their behavior.

Understanding a narcissist comes with the task of understanding how a narcissist behaves.

Lies are their truth

Lies keep a narcissist’s image, reputation, and demands always fulfilled. The lies told by a narcissist are filled with confusion and misunderstanding.

The narcissist always chose to lie, even when the truth was right in front of their face. I saw it, clear as day.

With all of these lies, does a narcissist really believe them? Yes! Of course, they do; they need to. They must believe their lies — they simply can’t let the truth slip out.

It’s almost as if the truth would cause a narcissist would lose everything. While that isn’t always the case, it may be earth-shattering for the narcissist.

I kept track of the different answers to the same question I would receive. But I was never allowed to question that; it wasn’t something I needed to concern myself with — well, according to the rest of my family.

But it was hard to ignore the various lies I had to sort through. The mountainous lies that pile on top of one another are nothing more than a quick solution — and ultimate deterrence from taking accountability.

But there isn’t any accountability for them to take. They don’t need to take accountability.

A Narcissist Only Looks Out For Themselves

A narcissist is always out for themselves in any situation. They are only out for themselves — that’s an obvious fact, isn’t it? All in the narcissist’s pursuit of self-satisfaction — there is no limit for them.

You can get anything you want in life if you do anything it takes to get it. Even if that’s compromising your family relationships.

The narcissist in my life was focused only on their desires and wants. They did and said anything they could to make a small battle go their way. But that’s how narcissists are, though; they are only looking out for themselves.

Looking out for yourself and your safety is normal; you’re most important in your life. A narcissist will take that to a new level. To a narcissist, we are simply living in their world.

Sometimes, what you may want can hurt other people. The narcissist in my life was basically ruling my family; they needed to have this control.

For my narcissist to ensure that nothing stood in their way, they controlled everything. To keep this control, lies and manipulation are a must.

At the end of the day, a narcissist needs someone who will accept their lies without question. For me? Well, I was never too keen on filling those requests.

Not accepting their lies

Over time, I learned that whatever the narcissist said was a lie. I never knew the narcissist to tell the truth. In fact, I don’t even know what the truth is from them.

Whenever I felt that I could trust them, they always did something to show me that I couldn’t. Quite simply, their truth never stayed the same.

At a point in time, around my teenage years, I was faced with a smear campaign from the narcissist in my life. During this time, the narcissist refused to acknowledge my existence. I mean, literally refuse to admit that I was there.

The narcissist could paint any narrative they wanted; I was powerless against them.

During family events I would be left out of conversation. I was treated a space that filled the spot at the dinner table.

I was watched with caution as if I was a wild animal that is completely unpredictable. All of this came through the lies that the narcissist told about me.

Through this time I learned one thing: the narcissist really hated me.

The narcissist always hated me

They hated me during these times because I wouldn’t believe the lies they were feeding us.

I became isolated from my family, not trusted, and hated — I was only 17 years old. I was just a child, being treated like I had the intentions of a sinister adult. Nothing I could do except live with what was dished out to me.

When you don’t accept the lies from someone that is never wrong, you’re left looking like a negative Nancy.

The narcissist made it known that I was not welcome.

And this is precisely what the narcissist wanted to happen. The lies the narcissist told about me caused other family members to turn against me.

The narcissist being who they are is simply enough of a reason for you to trust them. To doubt a narcissist is to put a bullseye on your back.

All while the narcissist is punishing you, a smear campaign is occurring. A smear campaign was is the way a narcissist will spread lies about you.

It’s like leaving a not so subtle hint at your outlandeous behavior.

Through all of this and stepping back from the interpersonal conflict, I saw the bigger picture. The narcissist wanted to win every battle and keep up their image and false reality.

With each lie, they grew out of control

Lies catch up with you; there’s no other way around it. The narcissist was never truly able to see their own lies. The narcissist’s lies were their truth.

Over the years, I began to speak out against the narcissist. I wanted my family to know that they were up to something.

The narcissist was sneaking around behind the family’s back telling a different story for each person. Being consistently busy with unknown duties and responsibilities left the narcissist unavailable and less present.

Although their time was scared, they still demanded perfection and Order. Every interaction, holiday, or family event had a preterrdmined path for the narcissist.

Their patterns of behavior always included lies. Lies may seem like a quick way for a narcissist to get out of trouble, and while that may be true, the effects are lasting.

How a Narcissist’s Lies Work

The lies transformed into such a mountain of a beast that the narcissist needed to take out the people that we were calling them out. From there, a smear campaign can help to steer others in favor of the narcissist.

Lies snowball — from one situation to the next. A narcissist will say anything they need to say to get out of trouble. There isn’t anything they won’t try to get out of.

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The narcissist had created such a fantasy on top of all their lies. They failed to recognize how their behavior was affecting those around them.

Or maybe, that was the whole point.

A narcissist’s goals are simply to get what they want. That is fine if it means stepping on people they are supposed to care for and love.

You are important to them–but they won’t ever admit that.

Any situation is a chance for the narcissist to push their own agenda.

A narcissist is very sure of themselves and their place in this world. Confidence–whether made up or real sells it.

Their lies paint a bigger picture

The narcissist uses lies to keep the image they want to uphold. Narcissism comes with thinking that you are better than the best; you are the most perfect person.

The number of times that I have had to reevaluate my own memory because I am faced with such determined lies.

They won’t even face the truth about their lies. The narcissist was unable to see an issue with how their lies not adding up.

If you don’t discuss it, then it isn’t real. That was their selfish, unspoken approach to life. This was the frustrating mode the narcissist ran on.

Only accepting their own reality and not acknowledging the truth is an unfortunate way to live.

At the end of the day, a narcissist believes the lies they peddle. Lies are not lies to them; they don’t see anything wrong with telling what they believe.

The Confidence of a Narcissist is Powerful

That’s why passion and conviction can help people believe their lies. Even though their lies are apparent, they don’t see it that way.

Every lie is a reflection of their twisted reality. In a way, it’s alarming to see. How can someone just lie like that?

Does credibility ever cross their mind? Or do they believe they are so powerful that they don’t need to establish a line of credibility?

The lies they tell paint who they believe themselves to be. If they are innocent, then they are most certainly a saint. If you don’t see what the narcissist sees in themself, then you are the problem.

The bigger picture with a narcissist is their ultimate goals or aspirations — by whatever means necessary.

The narcissist will quickly stop you from being who you are, and they can control you.

Once I realized the reality that the narcissist wanted us to see I was shocked. Frankly, their reality was a delusion.

The lies are strung together to support the life they want to attain — whatever that may look like.

Getting a Narcissist’s Way is the Ultimate Goal

At the end of the day, the narcissist wanted their way. They want to be in charge, in control, and in power. A narcissist’s goals are always driven by self-satisfaction.

To be honest, I have given up the battle. Trying go be rational with the narcissist was never going to occur.

They needed to step on the people around them to get a leg up to continue this façade. It always felt like they were playing chess or some game — we weren’t just two people. I was a game piece for them, along with other people.

I can’t be around someone like that.

Through these awful times they put me through, I noticed their behavior patterns quite well. The narcissist is the most predictable person I have ever known in my entire life.

Something would always be on their list; whether it was a monetary gain or adjusting the spotlight, they always had a set pattern of behavior.

It was clear to see what they were doing, I just had to stay away from them.

Every lie they tell is one step closer to getting what they want. What a narcissist wants is not always rooted in material objects. Evading responsibility, questioning, or diverting attention to them are also essential.

Is a Narcissist Only Out for Material Goods?

That doesn’t mean that a narcissist won’t be materialistic. Not every desire that a narcissist has is strictly for material goods. I witnessed a narcissist talk with me about something significant one week; by the next week, they had no idea what I was talking about.

Of course — it always has to be me, doesn’t it?

Lies are a narcissist’s truth — they certainly believe the lies they push, even if they don’t make much sense. But how can that be?

What other way would a narcissist have it? Through all the lies, how can a narcissist get people to believe their lies effortlessly?

Suddenly, it feels like the world has shifted. My family did not trust me anymore. I became a disappointment.

What Makes a Narcissist’s Lies so Powerful?

Their lies are powerful because of the desire, drive, and confidence that every narcissist carries. A narcissist wants to be trusted and liked for many different reasons.

A narcissist’s lies become powerful because they become indestructible. After all, the narcissist discredits the truth from others.

Frankly, a narcissist isn’t afraid to lie or take it far. Narcissists want what they came for — they can’t see beyond themselves.

Although a narcissist’s lies are powerful, it doesn’t mean it is hopeless.

No one is more proud, confident, or arrogant than a narcissist who believes their own lies. A lot of hard work comes with the ultimate goal of always looking like the good guy and the most perfect person.

I have carried the abuse from a narcissist on my back for far too long.

There is time, lies, and dedication to spreading the narcissist’s truth. A person is simply a chess piece to them.

The word narcissist means more than simply describing someone. It’s a culmination of all the pain and suffering this person’s actions have caused you.

Narcissists spend a lot of time crafting their audacious lies to gain what they want. They can work on their reputation so that the people around them are on their side. Narcissists must have the support around them that they need.

A Favorable Perception is What a Narcissist is After

They are nothing without their reputation.

I saw this happen plenty of times with the narcissist in my life. They consistently told me a different lie to the same question. There was no shame to them when telling whatever lie they needed to form to their reality.

The belief that a narcissist holds makes their lies more believable.

The narcissist in my life always lied to me. This sounds like such an overused statement, doesn’t it? But it’s entirely true. Narcissists are stuck within their own world, and the consequences bleed out.

A narcissist’s lies paint the picture of themselves that they want the world to see.

Eventually, the narcissist’s lies will snowball.

At the end of the day, narcissist only has a goal of seeing themselves. They want to have the best life, with the best people, with the best opportunities. But that’s something that we all want.

But how far are we willing to go for it? How much will we lose to achieve the goals we want?

In the end, a narcissist doesn’t see anyone but themselves.

3 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Knowing the signs of a toxic relationship can help you stay aware.

Source: Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Disclaimer: Although I have personal and professional experience in the mental health field, I am not a licensed mental health professional. The information contained in this article is meant for educational and entertainment purposes only. The contents of this article are not meant to diagnose, treat or cure any disorder.

When any relationship begins, it rarely intends to turn toxic — not consciously, of course. But certain behaviors in the relationship can give you an idea of how this relationship may be in the long run.

Warning signs can be hard to spot — that’s why we must know them. Being educated on toxic relationships can help you spot, identify, and potentially avoid a toxic relationship.

Toxic relationships begin in similar ways, with a pattern of behavior being exhibited by the other person — or both parties. There are 3 critical features of toxic relationships that are relatively consistent amongst various toxic relationships. Now please be aware that these are only 3 warning signs. There may be more — each relationship is different and unique.

1. Love bombing

The efforts to win you over by showing excessive affection and attention are called love bombing. This can often seem like such an out-of-this-world experience, or you’re left stunned — and flattered — by the attention.

The constant admiration, whirl-wind type of romance that sweeps you off your feet can feel intoxicating. Maybe this person, who you may have just met, is telling you that you’re the one or you are both meant to be together. At a glance, this may seem so sweet and loving. It’s like a dream come true!

But if anything seems like it’s too good to be true, then it is.

But then that love bombing is used as a way to gain your trust. Love bombing can come in the form of gifts or money in a way to win you over.

Love bombing is a strategic plan to win over the person’s heart–then that love turns to control.

2. Isolation

Spending time with your new partner is such a wonderful thing; you can’t get enough of each other. But there is a point where you are both spending so much time together that you become isolated from friends and family.

Isolation is another key sign that this may be a toxic relationship. When you are isolated from your friends and family, you cannot see them or spend time with them. This is restrictive and controlling behavior that keeps you isolated.

Not being able to move freely and talk to who you would like leads you to be cut off from the world around you. You still need to have a life outside of your relationship.

If your partner threatens you or guilts you into not seeing family and friends, you should know that is not okay. If friends feel like a threat to your partner, that is a red flag that should be addressed.

3. Codependency

From the isolation and love-bombing, you become landed in codependency. Codependency is when one partner leans on another partner excessively.

This means someone will become reliant on the other person. Codependency can be in the form of socialization, financial, or anything that causes you to overly rely on your partner.

One partner is unable to be autonomous without the other partner.

Someone doesn’t just wake up one-day co-dependent. The other person had caused their partner to become reliant on them. Through excessive conflict, isolation, and love-bombing, someone can be forced to become co-dependent.

Take Maid on Netflix, for example. Alex, the main character, is in a relationship that keeps her isolated from her friends and family. Due to Alex being isolated from the outside world, she becomes co-dependent on Sean, her partner.

A healthy relationship will typically have two fully independent people— where neither one is controlled by the other.

If you feel like you may be in an abusive situation, please know there are resources available — it’s okay to get help. If you are unsure and want to talk to someone, I encourage you to visit: https://www.thehotline.org/

As originally posted on Medium and NewsBreak

Understanding the Disorder Behind a Narcissist

Breaking down narcissistic personality disorder.

Source: Engin Akyurt on Unsplash

Narcissists are a topic that has been flooding media for the past few years. There is a lot of misinformation about what a narcissist truly is. To begin, we have to understand narcissistic personality disorder to truly grasp what a narcissist is.

Narcissistic personality disorder is listed in the DSM-5 as a clinical diagnosis. NPD is a real disorder, and narcissists are real, BUT you can’t just call anybody that seems selfish a narcissist.

There must be specific criteria met that far surpasses selfishness or arrogance. Some people can be selfish and/or arrogant and not be a narcissist.

Symptoms of NPD

Narcissism itself is a personality disorder. This person who had NPD is diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional. No article or quiz will tell you if someone is a narcissist (or if you are one yourself!)

Like any other disorder, a narcissistic personality disorder will have a strict set of symptoms that must be met to qualify for the diagnosis. Below is the list of NPD symptoms that a doctor will use to diagnose:

  • A grandiose sense of self-importance
  • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • A belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
  • A need for excessive admiration
  • A sense of entitlement
  • Interpersonally exploitive behavior
  • A lack of empathy
  • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

Some of these symptoms can be challenging to see at first — you have to spend time with the narcissist to notice these patterns of behavior. After reviewing the symptoms, we can clearly point to self-satisfaction and superiority. There’s also a lack of empathy, along with overt, negative behaviors.

It’s unfortunate, really, because the narcissist could receive help. But as we all know, treatment doesn’t resolve issues; it’s only a bandaid. You have to work to make the treatment work.

What causes NPD?

Through this entire process, a narcissist may seem content and truly powerful when they may feel empty, worthless, and are battling insecurities on the inside.

A narcissist is insecure and weak — so they need to compensate by being controlling and attention-seeking.

Narcissistic personality disorder can be caused for various reasons. Still, there is typically an environmental, genetic, and neurobiological cause behind the disorder developing. Now, this isn’t too uncommon–other mental health disorders are caused by environmental, genetic, and neurological disorders.

But there are specific adverse life events that someone can experience that would lead them to develop NPD. The Cleveland Clinic has listed a few reasons to why NPD forms:

  • Childhood trauma (such as physical, sexual, and verbal abuse).
  • Early relationships with parents, friends, and relatives.
  • Genetics (family history).
  • Hypersensitivity to textures, noise, or light in childhood.
  • Personality and temperament.

Throughout the narcissist’s childhood, they must have faced some damaging abuse or neglect. The narcissist in my life was abused as a child — it was something that had been disclosed to me through other family members.

How to treat NPD?

Someone with NPD will be unwilling and heavily resistant to changing their behavior. Those with narcissistic personality disorder are forever in love with the hyped-up, grandiose image that they paint themselves as.

With any type of mental illness, there will be a treatment option. A combination of various therapies and medication can help mitigate the adverse effects of the disorder.

NPD can first be treated/assessed by seeing a licensed mental health professional. From there, a psychiatrist (or other qualified professional) can recommend treatment options.

Understanding where NPD comes from can help you better understand a narcissist. Understanding narcissism doesn’t excuse the behavior. The effects of a narcissist’s behavior are real and damaging — a diagnosis doesn’t erase that.

As originally posted on Medium and NewsBreak

How Manipulation Works in Relationships

Unraveling the various structures of manipulation.

Source: Matt Paul Catalano on Unsplash

Manipulation is something that everyone has experienced. We all have encountered one person in our life who manipulates people as a way to get by.

Manipulation doesn’t have to be in a romantic relationship; it can be in any relationship.

Maybe a friend manipulates you to feel bad for them to avoid responsibility for their actions. Perhaps a romantic partner begins buying you gifts and is overly helpful — utterly different from who they usually are. Then the secret is out that they were caught in a lie and wanted to use this to get out of it.

Manipulation can happen in a wide array of different relationships and scenarios. But, at the root of it, manipulation is vile and reward-driven.

I’ve discussed manipulation with narcissists, but I wanted to branch that topic out and evaluate manipulation. I’ve discussed narcissism and manipulation, but there is much more to the surface level of manipulation.

So what is manipulation truly?

Power imbalance

When someone manipulates you, there is a power dynamic at play. The person manipulating you may exploit your weaknesses, target your insecurities, and cause you to become more dependent on them.

When they exploit your weaknesses, they are targeting your insecurities. By targeting your flaws and insecurities, they are looking to control you.

“A manipulator will actively lie to you, make excuses, blame you, or strategically share facts about them and withhold other truths. In doing this, they feel they are gaining power over you and gaining intellectual superiority.” (Manipulation: Symptoms to Look For WebMD)

Sometimes a power imbalance can look like one person having more decision power in the relationship. Or perhaps your friend’s opinions are more important than anyone else’s.

A power imbalance is created for one party to control the other. This puts the power off, making one partner more in control. It’s a damaging dynamic that can have lasting effects.

A power imbalance usually leaves the person manipulating to get the desired end goal that they want. This puts the manipulator’s wants and desires as being a top priority.

There should always be equal power in a relationship, no matter what. One person is not more important than the other. There should always be proper balance within a relationship. There has to be sacrifice and balance to have a healthy relationship.

Guilt

The manipulator will use a large amount of guilt to get you to do what they want. Honestly, guilt seems to be the most common way people manipulate others.

Manipulation always seems to have a touch of guilt, which is the emotional factor. If you feel bad for someone, you may be more inclined to help this person. It’s easier for someone to manipulate you if you feel bad for this person.

The people in my life that have always manipulated me (my narcissist, to be exact) were out to make me feel bad for them. If I felt bad or guilty for my behavior, they were much more likely to impact my future behavior.

Guilt was a strong motivating factor to be compliant with what someone wanted. If I felt bad for my actions or pitied them, I would be much more likely to be there for the manipulator.

Motivating factors

At the root of it all, what causes someone to manipulate? There can be many reasons, but it’s from self-desire, as discussed earlier.

According to good therapy, there are a plethora of reasons why someone manipulates:

  • Poor communication
  • Avoiding connection
  • Fear
  • Defensiveness

Someone wants something from you, and they will manipulate you to get that. Manipulation doesn’t always need to be in the form of fraud, cheating, or destruction. Sometimes, it can be something as simple as not getting into trouble.

But regardless, the manipulation affects you — it sucks.

Most likely, the manipulator is insecure and sees manipulation as the only way to survive (for some people, that can be very true). Sometimes it’s easier for someone to lie and manipulate because telling the truth would be too hard. This isn’t an excuse but rather a reason why some people may manipulate.

As originally posted on Medium and NewsBreak