Narcissists are trapped in their own world, they cannot see beyond their own delusion

The narcissist I had within my family always seemed to twist reality. It’s as though the memories we shared were far different from each other. No memory we both shared was viewed the same way.

Any interaction with the narcissist always left me confused, upset, and slighted. I never understood why they were always quick to cast blame or judgment on me. Or how the narcissist would lie to me, when I had screenshots, and evidence to disprove their claims

How does that make sense?

I would always wave this off as the narcissist being a liar. But how can someone lie so much and seem so adamant about their false reality? There has to be some line that shows the stark difference between lying and what is their truth.

And that’s when I realized that the narcissist is highly delusional. In their world, they truly believe the lies they are sharing. For a narcissist, their lies are not lies to them — their lies are their reality.

Narcissists are trapped in their own world, they cannot see beyond their own delusion.

Now please remember that not all narcissists are like this. And not all narcissists are evil. Narcissism is a real disorder that affects real people every day.

From healing wounds about a narcissist, I’ve found that I have to do what they fail to do: see outside myself.

So I began putting myself in the shoes of the narcissists that I had in my life — I began to see their reality.

This does not excuse, nor does this allow for further mistreatment — but rather, it gives us an idea of who they really are.

Understanding a narcissist’s viewpoint may help give you some answers, and help you find your peace with them.

Narcissism is a clinically diagnosed disorder

According to the DSM-5, narcissism is formally called: narcissistic personality disorder.

The key for a clinical diagnosis for narcissism — or any mental disorder — is consistent behavior patterns. Isolated incidents that happen infrequently (i.e., lying) are not enough to meet diagnostic criteria for narcissism.

For the complete diagnostic criteria for DSM-5 Revised criteria, please click here.

I will be explaining the criteria step by step to help you understand how narcissism is clinically defined.

Below are the summarized versions of the DSM-5 Revised criteria:

Impairments in either identity or self-direction

This means that there are issues with someone’s functioning that are impacting daily life. This can include arrogant behavior, exaggerated achievements, preoccupation with fantasies of success, wealth, power, etc., lacking empathy, and the need for excessive admiration.

An issue with identity or self-direction can really stem from feeling insecure. Narcissists require the attention of others and need to be seen as the best. This runs back to a narcissist not truly knowing who they are.

Narcissists need the praise of others, so they constantly have to work to be the best and stay the best all the time.

A narcissist’s consistent behavior patterns, combine with their slew of negative symptoms can lead them to struggle within their life.

Impairments in interpersonal functioning such as empathy and intimacy

Interpersonal functioning, from a clinical standpoint, is based on how someone functions within their relationships. Relationships aren’t just romantic — they extend to any relationship. Relationships can include friends, neighbors, coworkers, and so on.

When reviewing interpersonal functioning, it is important to look at the stability of all relationships that a narcissist has over time. Are their relationships typically easygoing, or is there always an edge to their relationships?

For example, the narcissist in my life never had any real friends. Yes, we heard about the narcissist’s soccer friends, but we never saw any close friends. It seemed that any friends this narcissist had were kept at a distance.

When we review the inner workings of a narcissist’s friendships, we can begin to see the impact of their negative symptoms. Research has shown that a narcissist may be more likely to be vengeful, overly dominant in relationships, and even including intrusive behavior.

With vengeful, dominant, and intrusive behavior, there will be instability in all relationships. The negative symptoms associated with narcissism are often shown through their relationships.

Personality traits involving grandiosity and attention-seeking

Narcissists believe that they are the best thing that has ever walked the Earth. A narcissist’s self-worth is really tied to the praise they get from those around them.

With a lack of identity and a narcissist constantly having to work to be the best, they can burn some people along the way. But grandiose behavior doesn’t automatically come from someone thinking they are the best — it can stem from insecurity.

Remember, a narcissist is not void of feelings — everyone has feelings and can be close to a person. But narcissists can lose the people that they care about due to their behavior.

With grandiosity, there is an attention-seeking aspect that may be more noticeable. They want to be seen as the best to fulfill that insecurity they have about themselves.

Important diagnostic factors that need to be considered

The criteria discussed above must be stable and consistent throughout a person’s life, cannot be explained by another medical condition, or considered normal for their developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.

This is a quick story on what criteria a narcissist needs to meet. Just because someone was mean to you or rude to you does not qualify them as a narcissist.

Narcissism is a real disorder that has a daily impact on someone’s functioning.

A key point that isn’t discussed by the DSM-5 is the lack of awareness of one’s own functioning. Someone with narcissism doesn’t flat out know that their intentions are twisted. This is their reality, and that’s what they believe. No matter what someone says, this is what a narcissist will believe.

So this can fall under delusional behavior when you are faced with a narcissist.

How does this change things?

In terms of dealing with a narcissist, it isn’t going to change your situation much. But what it can do is help give you more understanding and give some explanation.

The next time you interact with a narcissist in your life, you can understand that their behavior is a pattern. A pattern is predictable, so you can more easily understand the narcissist.

Why fight someone who doesn’t see reality in the same way? If you do, you might want to bang your head against the wall — you’ll get the same outcome.

I want to explain this to other people who may be struggling with a narcissist in their life. I know it’s hard. Wanting to get a narcissist to understand the pain they have caused — but they won’t see eye to eye with you.

A narcissist will never see what you see.

Much like someone with active visual hallucinations, you cannot tell them that something isn’t right in front of them — even though you can’t see it.

To a narcissist, their lies are true. Why spend any time telling the narcissist that their truth isn’t reality? It’s what’s real for them, and it’s what they believe.

Suppose you can’t make sense of a situation with a narcissist, where it seems that they are making stuff up or lying to you. Remember that you are not wrong; you are dealing with someone who is not fully in touch with reality.

No amount of proof, evidence, or logic will prevail over their lies.

When I realized this, my relationship with the narcissist changed. I didn’t need to disprove their lies — I didn’t need to do anything.

If a narcissist’s lies are truly what they believe, then you cannot argue with that.

As hard as it is, you will need to accept that this is how it will be with a narcissist.

.

.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed mental health professional. The information contained in this article is for educational and entertainment purposes only. This information is not meant to diagnose anyone but rather to spread awareness and start a conversation. Thanks!

.

.

As Originally Posted on Medium and NewsBreak

When someone thinks about what truly makes up a narcissist, typically the first thought is manipulation. Narcissists are all about what they can get for themselves. Everything in a narcissist’s world centers around their own desires and beliefs. A heavy hand of manipulation comes in when a narcissist needs to ensure or strengthen their power over someone.

One of the most well-known tools that a narcissist uses is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that causes pure psychological torture. A narcissist will use gaslighting to try and alter some part of your memory or behavior to satisfy their own needs.

According to the APA Dictionary, gaslighting is seen as manipulation that is so intense and extreme that the manipulation causes psychological damage to the victim.

We’ve all had our own experiences with manipulation, gaslighting, and narcissists. One way or anything, we all have experienced some level of narcissist control.

I experienced gaslighting consistent manipulation and abuse at the hands of a family member. This family member displayed odd behaviors that I noticed while growing up. The main behavior I noticed was lies. I caught this family member in too many lies to even keep track of. If I questioned these lies, they would gaslight me.

One of the many manipulations and gaslighting tactics that were used against me were lies. I was lied to constantly by this family member. If I caught that family member in a lie, they would swoop in to promptly correct my memory to support their reality. Even after catching them in lies, I still believed this person because I was raised to never doubt what they said.

Now this family member was well respected within the community. They had a doctorate level degree and was a well established, practicing clinician.

But what I had also noticed is that nothing ever changed with this person. Their routines stayed the same, their lavish lifestyle only got better, their lies increased, and their manipulation became too toxic to handle.

I never wanted to admit that this person was a narcissist because, well, they are family. Why would family say such cruel things to me — why would this well-educated doctor tell me such lies about myself.

It was not until recently that I saw this family member for who they really were: a narcissist.

So I went on to believe that I was everything they said I was. I was the manipulative one, I caused problems, I was greedy, I stole, and most importantly I was a liar.

I truly believed that I was everything the narcissist accused me of being. For much of my teen years, I spent my time trying to undo all of the bad things I had done. Did I know exactly what I had done? Nope. I had no damn idea what I had done that made me such a bad person. But I was persistent in trying to prove that I was better than who I once was.

It wasn’t until early this year when I began to question the narcissist’s logic and reasoning. It all started one day when I noticed something odd: what the narcissist had said about me, no one else believed. I had been manipulated into believing such horrid things about myself, that I couldn’t distinguish lies from reality.

It all came to a point for me when my now husband and I were talking. I told him that I had done some awful things in my teen years that I needed to make right. I had expressed how badly I had upset the narcissist, and how I needed to prove to them that I was better.

So my husband asked me a simple question:

“What exactly did you do?”

And that’s when the realization struck me. I hadn’t done anything wrong, I was forced to shift my attention to myself instead of noticing what the narcissist was doing.

There wasn’t a single action that I had done that warranted my negative self-image. But I remember how the narcissist confronted me, him telling me that I was so awful and mean that he would be forced to call the police on me.

I remember feeling so devastated and ashamed of my actions. What left me in a true crisis was the fact that I was unable to find one single action that I had done to warrant calling the police. Regardless, I had made the narcissist so upset that I felt tremendous guilt for my actions.

What was the inciting incident to this situation you might ask? Nothing.

I was 17 years old with so many different life changes occurring that I was lost. Not to mention my struggles with OCD from a young age. I was the narcissist’s perfect target. I was a young, impressionable kid who wanted validation and approval by someone who I cared about deeply.

I was not a liar, a cheater, or a manipulator — I was none of that!

I found my freedom by being critical of the narcissist. I examined their behavior patterns and began to understand who they truly were.

Narcissists are empty shells, that need power over other people to feel complete.

I noticed that gaslighting was a common method of behavioral control from the narcissist. By invalidating and shaming their victim, the narcissists ultimately gain power over them.

I have built myself up from what was destroyed by the narcissist. I am a naturally empathetic person, not some monster out for money or control.

Narcissists have an arsenal of various tactics to ensure cooperation and strengthen their manipulation with their victims.

But as I am sitting here writing this I feel overcome with a sense of freedom. I am free from the narcissist’s lies and manipulation.

All of my adult years have been built on lies from this narcissist. The narcissist ran my life, and I did not even know it. But now I am free to forge a new path for myself.

This is a new start.

As Originally Posted on Medium and NewsBreak

Covert narcissism explained through the lens of the NXIVM cult.

Covert narcissists are the narcissists that aren’t noticeable. They are often the last person you might think would be a narcissist. But the more you get to know a covert narcissist, the more you see their true intentions.

The concept of covert narcissists is well showcased by looking at the cult ‘NXIVM.’ In this cult, the leader Keith Raniere was a nice, selfless man who claimed that he only wanted to teach people how to be their best selves. Raniere developed a ‘tool’ he called, Executive Success Programs (ESP) to help people rid themselves of whatever was holding them back.

Keith Raniere began to market this ‘tool’ that he created. Raniere got others to recruit into NXIVM to sell his self-improvement tools to others. Essentially, NXIVM was a multilevel marketing scheme disguised as a self-improvement program.

The NXIVM cult was marketed as being this happy family that only wanted to help the world.

The main theme throughout the cult is that Raniere wanted to change the world for the better. Raniere held so much power within the company and over hundreds and thousands of people that took part in his work.

Over time, women were recruited into a secret society run by Raniere himself. Each of the women secretly recruited into this society was branded with Raniere’s initials. Eventually, the secret society was exposed and leaked to the world.

It was later revealed that the members of this secret society, run by Raniere, were forced to share nude photos or horrific secrets at ‘collateral’. The collateral these women were forced to share was used to ensure that no member spoke out against the secret society.

Collateral was expected to be given regularly — no member could refuse.

The secret society was held up on a system of masters and slaves, with Raniere being the headmaster. Over time, the slaves and masters would have an opportunity to have sex with Raniere to reach true enlightenment. Raniere believed that if his followers had sex with them, they could truly receive his teaching.

Of course, sex with Raniere was not what was marketed to these women.

The secret society was described to these women as an empowerment exercise where you would enter as a slave and would need to follow the orders of your master.

A slave’s master could demand nearly anything. The slaves had to ask for permission to eat or sleep. Each slave needed to respond to a message from their master within 1 minute of receiving a message.

The women in this secret society were made to believe that this would help empower them and lead them to become their best selves. Each woman was expected to bring in more women into the secret society.

Slowly, big names within the NXIVM organization were beginning to leave. Those who left began to speak out against Raniere and his practices.

How does covert narcissism relate to Raniere?

Please note that Raniere was far worse than just being a narcissist. Covert narcissism was Raniere’s main strategy to get people hooked and submerged into his ideology.

The observable behavior, seen by those outside this cult, noticed the superiority and facade that Raniere was upholding.

Raniere won people over with what they could see — a brilliant man who saw interest in them and wanted to help them. Raniere targeted people and made them feel special; this helped Raniere bring his victims in. Once they were close enough, he would turn up the heat — new rules and continued dedication to Raniere.

Much in the way of covert narcissists, they can pull their victims in and keep them there by painting the same happy picture of themselves. Any questions towards the covert narcissist will be easily deflected with, “they’re a nice person,” just like Raniere was touted as a self-less man. Why would a nice, selfless person hurt others?

Covert narcissism is really padded with the masking of superiority with something nicer — like a self-improvement guru who only wants the best for you.

But what’s best for you needs to benefit the narcissist, or how else is it for the best? Of course, this is from the perspective of a narcissist.

The difference that makes a narcissist a covert narcissist

Of course, knowing the signs of a narcissist are still applicable; there are some outside signs that only covert narcissists will display.

Lack of grandiose or superiority is what a covert narcissist usually is missing. But of course, there is superiority when it comes to covert narcissists. Still, they take much longer to show truly their intentions. The superiority of a covert narcissist can typically be seen through growing a relationship with them.

The closer you get to a covert narcissist, the more clear the signs become.

It’s not that easy to tell with a covert narcissist if they feel superior or grandiose. With Raniere, he hid his grandiose belief behind a humanitarian effort. Who’s going to question someone who is supposedly doing good things?

With narcissism in general, everything is always about the narcissist.

We always think of a narcissist as someone bigger than themselves. Narcissists really think that they are the best.

Just like every person is different, so is every narcissist. No two narcissists will ever be the same, but they can have similar traits. The trait I have always noticed between covert narcissists is that they are most often described as “nice.”

Like Little Red Ridinghood in Into the Woods, she sings “nice is different than good” about the wolf. This is the best way to understand a covert narcissist.

Raniere was seen as a nice, selfless humanitarian who only wanted to do good. That’s how the covert narcissist was able to get their victims to really trust them.

Covert narcissists may be nice, but they aren’t always good.

Spotting the hidden danger

Covert narcissists are the most dangerous because you cannot spot them as easily.

Raniere was composed and always had alone time with his followers. He was well-groomed, nice and made the person with him feel special.

Over time, it turns into a slow, progressive takeover that targets each member. They are made to feel special because this brilliant man likes who you are. Obviously, this isn’t some b.s, it’s real and engaging for these people.

From being so close to his followers, Raniere was able to manipulate the way he is seen. Raniere always kept his followers close so he could guide them on how he wants to be seen.

Narcissists will always try to paint themselves in the best light.

No matter what, always trust your instincts, and never let anybody convince you out of how you feel.

Many of the followers of Raniere reported that they felt odd with him. That there was something that wasn’t right. But Raniere was a wonderful humanitarian who only wanted to do good — or so he said.

Raniere painted himself to be the greatest of the great — the best that ever lived.

Yet, Raniere showed his dedication as a great, selfless act, which masked his true intentions. Raniere wanted his followers to only believe in him and always to follow his word.

All of the red flags with Raniere are not completely noticeable at first. You’re taken back by this possibility of greatness in your life, and there is this great person who always wants to help you achieve your goals.

Even though the signs aren’t clearly obvious that Raniere was a narcissist upon meeting him, all of his actions are tied back to greed and his own selfish motives.

Thankfully, Raniere was found guilty of all charges and has been sentenced to 120 years in prison. Raniere’s rain of terror is finally over — but his victims relive their torment every day.

.

.

As Originally Posted on Medium and NewsBreak